Miracle.

So, I was at the gym, and I work out with my dad, we lift (since I wasn’t able to today at school, half day bleh) and then I go into the studio to dance. Well, I kind of lingered around it and it took some convincing to get myself to go in there because there were these bboys in there, and they were just chilling, they weren’t even breaking. But I could tell by their style, and that they had a beast with them, it made it pretty obvious. So I go in there, head to the other side of the studio, stretch it out a little, do a couple walk overs, run through a couple pieces, and then i just do a couple top rocks to shake it out, because I was really self-conscious. 

And one of the guys just so happened to see my top rocks, and asks if I break. And I’m all like, aasdghdl well yea i mean a little…. So they ask me if they want to do a couple sets with me, and we just start sessioning, and of course I suck so, so much, but like. It doesn’t even matter. Before I knew it they were talking about doing this again, and doing it on the regular, and then we exchanged phone numbers and are [possibly] coming back again tomorrow morning to break. Like. alsdhgal;dkjs fsdjgh;ldskj f

This is my opportunity. Granted, I’ve had so many opportunities, I’m constantly surrounded by breakers and had every opportunity in the world to learn, but I just. Haven’t. But with these guys, I feel like it could actually happen. I don’t know why it would be different, but it just is. I’m going to bring it tomorrow though, if we do meet up again. Because wow, this is really exciting. 

They’re hella old though. I think they were like 19, 22-23, and 25. One of them looked like Brian Puspos too, omg. <3

After SYTYCD, all I could think about was how lucky all those dancers were to have their moms there. A couple of them had these sob stories about dancing for their moms, and my reaction to them frightened me. I was so angry at them, so jealous of them. I mean, if I could have one wish, one thing in the world, it would be for my mom to see me dance. I would give anything for that. I wish she would just know that softball didn’t completely destroy me, that I found something that I love even more and that has such a greater effect on people. 

I’ve missed my mom so fucking much this week. Some days it’s completely unbearable. Especially today, with Jessica in New York. I feel like I don’t have anybody. I mean, I know I do. But I’ll never have anyone like my mom again. 

I’m so freaking jealous of everyone with a mom. It’s completely unfair. Especially all of you that take your moms for granted. Yesterday, my lifting partner asked about my mom. I told him the whole story, in the most abbreviated manner possible, and afterwards he paused for a moment, and then asked me if I was close with her. I told him the truth.

She was my very best friend. She was all I had in the world at the time. And then, in the blink of an eye, I didn’t even have that. 

I have so many people that love me and take care of me, but they will never match the relationship I had with her. I just wish I had more from her. More pictures, more birthday cards, more videos. I have so very little, and my memories have faded so quickly. God, can’t I just have her back already?

Her death made me stop valuing my life. I no longer fear death, if it were to approach me, I would embrace it willingly. Because I know she is waiting for me on the other side, and she is worth it, worth my life. I would give mine in a heartbeat if it meant she could have hers back. She still had so much more left to accomplish, she was in school to get her PhD, she was finally living on the beach, after waiting her whole life for the opportunity, and she was finally gaining some mental stability. All the hard work and sacrifice she went through, all gone, without a moments notice. Only remembered by a few. She was destined to leave such a great impression on the world, but she just wasn’t given enough time to do it.

And now I feel obligated to live enough life for the both of us. Maybe that’s why I never take a second to breathe. Or maybe I just don’t want to dwell on the past, on how lost I am without her, on how fucking lonely I am without her. 

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE SEASON 9 PREMIERE TONIGHT

*insert meghan’s ‘yes’ dance here*

IM SO EXCITED ASDLKHGDS SOMEONE COME OVER AND WATCH IT WITH ME WHILE I CRY ABOUT HOW EXCITING IT IS

(Source: illestallen)